Coping As A Stepmom

Coping As A Step mumAs far bear as I disregard remember, the bingle thing I evermore wanted to be was a florists chrysanthemum. I had dreams of being the perfect mother, giving and showing love and warmness to my children and having them give that similar kind of unconditional love back to me. Unfortunately, that was non meant to be. It seems God had something else in store for me, something that I wasnt tot anyy prep atomic number 18d for, and that was the grapheme of a dance stepmom. Helping to raise one child that is non biologi knelly yours is difficult, imagine having iii of them. Coping as a stepmom is truly a work in progress, filled with rewards and challenges, and galore(postnominal) of those challenges deplete to be acquiret with finished understanding, compromise, and love.My adventure in becoming a stepmom began on October 29, 2005 the day I married my save and his three children. He had been divorced from his ex-wife for four age when we finally tied t he knot. When I met him in 2004, he had been a bachelor and single dad for three years. Of course, he and his kids got use to being unneurotic and doing things unitedly, so it wasnt easy laborious to fit in especially for and with the kids. They cursorily let me k forthwith they had a mother and werent too interested in having another one. one(a) challenge we had to address archaean on was what were the kids spill to phone me. When we first met, they called me Miss Sheryl, and that was okay because it was respectful. They didnt know that their father and I were really serious ab give away distributively other, and had been talking round the conjecture of marriage by the quantify I was introduced to them (which was 4 months after my conserve and I started dating). Right originally we got engaged, I remember saying to the kids that they should drop-off the Miss, and just call me by my first name. That was simple, and didnt sound so escaped and unattached. The youngest at the while, 9-year-old Trey, and oldest, 13-year-old Haley, thought it was a wakeless idea and made the stir right away with no problem. On the other hand, it wasnt easy for the midst child, 10-year-old Lunden. She had the hardest time because she was not ready to let go of the idea that perhaps her p bents would get back together. Once the engagement was announced and wedding plans were underway, she came around. step up of the blue, she just started occupation me by my first name.When the conversation came up as to what they should call me after their dad and I were married, I told them to track calling me Sheryl. I didnt want to put two pres original on them to call me something that would make them uncomfort up to(p). Parenting experts say in their desire to present a close family image, step parents and parents often push for descent terms as mom and dad, or mama and papa, or straight mother and father. They go on to say that for the kids, these terms could symbol ize the replacement or loss of the biologic parent, and instead of unifying the family, it asshole put up a parapet (Visher, Visher, 1982). This is certainly not what I wanted to happen. By allowing them to continue to call me by my first name, which is what they were use to and most comfort open with, the transition from dads lady friend to wife and stepmom was seamless and painless in that respect. I know Im not their mother, and the last thing I wanted was to add to their stress level of encountering disloyal to their mom because I was in their lives now.Speaking of their mother, the relationship surrounded by the two of us started out a little shaky. I must say this was one challenge that I didnt commemorate would incessantly come to a peaceful solution, provided it has to some degree. The first time Sharon and I met was awkward. My economize and I were still in the dating regularity when we went to pick the kids up for a 4th of July picnic in the park. I tried to b e as cordial as possible, but she wasnt having it. She gave me a quick and cold hello, and then went about her business of talking to my husband and her kids.I remember telling one of my girlfriends that I had never been treat so rudely, and that if she was going to treat me that way, I could easily reciprocate. But my girlfriend explained what Sharon was probably feeling because she herself felt the same way when she met her exs new girlfriend. Consequently, she told me to always keep the best interest of the children at the forefront. Audrey Seaton-Bacon, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist in Whittier, California says having your little ones see birth parents and step parent on the job(p) as a team is valuable and bene concomitantorful (Hunter, 2006). I impart found that to be so true. When my step kids first heard that their parents and I actually sat down together to talk about them, I sensed they were shocked and relieved. My husband, his ex-wife and I try to keep the lines of communication disseminate at all times. Author Anne Burt says this is the most most-valuable thing. She as well says no matter how much dis exchangeable there may be between a biological parent and a step parent take a breather respectful and never show any hostility or crust in front of your child its important for mother and stepmother to be grown-ups (Burt, 2007). today we all attend school plays, concerts, and other events as a family as much as we can be as a family without discomfort. A childs public events should be an opportunity for the whole family to bond (Burt, 2007). I think once my step kids mom established that I wasnt a panic to her and she could never be replaced, she became less jealous of me and now shes even friendlier. That has been a positive for all of us. The kids love and respect her as their mom, and they give me the same as their step mom. Seaton-Bacon says its actually good for kids to develop a reasoning(a) attachment to a step parent (Hunter, 2006).We all agreed early on that when it came to the discipline issue, dad and mom would handle that. Like numerous stepmoms, I didnt want that responsibility for fear of resentment. On the other hand, I felt that my husband was too laid back and needed to meliorate in that department. It was hard for me to sit back and say nothing but I learned that was best. In one of her ten parenting tips for stepmoms, Rachelle Katz says when stepchildren misbe fix, first cogitate your attention on your partner rather than the children. Let him know, gently and calmly, that you feel he unavoidably to assert his authority in order to help his children grow and develop, and feel secure and protected. If he isnt capable of being a strong parent, then your lifespan, his life, and your stepchildrens lives will suffer (Katz, 2010). This was and still is a soft subject. No matter how gently I try to bring this to my husbands attention, he doesnt seem to take it too well. Im not giving up though , or backing down from sharing my feelings or thoughts on the matter.While trying to develop a cordial, working relationship with my step kids mom, I was also trying to find my place in the family structure. I know my husband loves me, but I had some hard truths to deal with the fact that he was married before, and that he had kids. I, too, was married before but did not arouse any kids. Therefore, my husband doesnt confine to deal with my ex the way I have to deal with his. Extended family situations come up quite frequently, with his family or her family, and it takes a apportion of patience and understanding to handle those situations. What seems to help me the most is remembering that I am his wife now, and my main role is to be my husbands wife and help mate. By doing this, I feel I have found my place.We are growing together and bonding as a family apiece and every day, and this process will continue for years to come. One thing that we had to do was come up with provide die hards that involved making changes and setting boundaries. At first, I always felt like an outsider, and I think that had a lot to do with not knowing what I was allowed to do or say in my own home. Once we naturalized the house rules that each of us had to abide by, I was finally able to speak up, based on whether or not the rules were being followed. In her book, How to handle your husbands kids, stepmom and author Jacquelyn Fletcher says this is when she finally got some relief. One house rule for her family (and mine as well) was to keep common areas clean. Fletcher says she finally got to say, Hey guys, remember we have to take our toys upstairs. House rules (McKinnell, 2007). Just like her, I was finally able to say what I needed to say without place back and holding it in. The new rules also helped my husband and I grow closer because we found common backdrop and a way to parent together. When everyone in the family knows the house rules, you and your partner can bac k each other up when a transgression occurs. Working together as a team is important for you as a couple and teaches children that they cant divide and conquer (Katz, 2010).As my stepchildren and I have grown closer, weve developed quality relationships. The three of them have very distinct personalities and have to be treated accordingly. Parenting experts say enjoying time with your stepchildren is a necessity. Now that theyre all teenagers, Ive found ways to hang out with each of them that they enjoy. The oldest and I go shopping together. Our tastes in clothes are very different due to our ages, but she seems to value my opinion, and asks my advice. My middle stepdaughter and I hand a lot of time just talking. She is the one that inescapably lots of attention, and always seems to have something on her mind that she needs to discuss, so I provide that listening ear. My 14-year-old stepson is easy. Hes very creative and outgoing. Right now he is into piece of music song and rap lyrics. He asks for my opinions and suggestions all the time. The fact that I show an interest in what hes writing and why hes writing it has made all the difference in our relationship. He is always thanking me for my support. The book, The talented Stepmother, states that in order to have a good relationship with your stepchildren, youve got to spend some quality time with them. Since quality relationships are built from man-to-man interactions, spend private time with each of your stepchildren. Find common interests and activities, such(prenominal) as a hobby or a sport, to do with them (Katz, 2010). It has taken some time, but we understand and accept each other without any added pressure or stress. We feel what we feel, and thats okay. Love is an emotion that cant be forced. If you love your stepchildren, thats wonderful. If you dont, thats also acceptable, as long as you provide kindness, compassion and respect to them. No more and no less should be evaluate of you (Katz, 2010). I found that to be so true. Once I realized that I didnt have to love my stepchildren right away, and that they didnt have to love me back right away, it was easier for us to bond. All we had to do was be nice, kind, and respectful to each other.Finding the right family blend in a stepfamily situation can be difficult at best. There are so many obstacles to overcome and feelings to consider, but these family units can become strong. It has taken a lot of hard work but we have built a bottom based on trust and good communication skills listening and talking to each other. We know that were different from normal or first families both structurally and emotionally. An article written in 1997 for The Coalition for Collaborative carve up states that stepfamilies would be the most common type of family in the country by the year 2010 this year So maybe were normal after all. And weve already taken on some of the helpful actions listed in the article to deal with common stepfam ily challenges and develop a happy and successful stepfamily life. As I mentioned before, we find time to sit, talk and listen to each other about what we were feeling. Dealing with and recognizing emotions are important factors when systema skeletaleing a strong family unit. It is new to assume that people have good reasons for their emotions and reactions, even if the reasons are not obvious. This attitude helps build respect and trust (Aronsohn, 1997).Weve come up with a new family tradition. Once a month, we get together for the Williams Family Gathering. This includes my husbands immediate family (his mom, siblings, and their families). This is where we all come together, bring a dish or two, and rotate feeding at a different home. This is quality family time that we value and carry forward to doing. This simple routine allows a sense of something stable, something to count on, something this family does (Aronsohn, 1997). My step kids are always asking when and where this m onth. They absolutely love it, and its something that wasnt done before I came along so it really is our new tradition. This extended family togetherness is good for our immediate stepfamily. The love, care and concern thats shown when I interact with my in-laws has also helped me to build solid relationships with my step kids.In conclusion, coping as a stepmom is not the same as the role of mom. It can sometimes seem like youre on a roller coaster ride that never stops. The frustrations, misunderstandings, and hurt that are part of that ride are too much to bear at times. Stepmoms have to tread lightly and cautiously. Every situation is different and needs to be handled in its own way. Weve had our ups and downs over the last 5 years, and Im sure well have many more. But now we have a stronger foundation from which to work from. We just need to accept and address each issue as it comes up. This work in progress will continue to remind us of the valuable lessons weve learned like u nderstanding and pliable to develop stronger, more loving, and successful relationships between us. By working together and appreciating each others role in our blended stepfamily, weve reached some common ground that seems to be working for all of us.The challenges have not come without rewards. And one of those rewards was huge for me. During a celebration for my 50th birthday this past March, my three stepchildren stood together at the podium and told our family and friends that they consider me more of a mom than a stepmom. That was music to my ears. They admitted Ive made a difference in their lives and the life of their father. When they said how much they loved and appreciated me, it brought tears to my eyes. For the first time, I felt like Im doing something right as a stepmom.